while walking is still exciting

I initially started Project 365 to challenge myself to take a picture every day, to stretch my limits. Some days the photos are good, and some days they're just uninspired torture. And often, even when I have a day full of great pictures, I end up putting the plain ones in my 365 series.

Why? Because I try to capture the moments that I love now, and those things don't always happen in good light and good settings. But I know that in one year or twenty, those are the captures that will make my heart ache, regardless of how bad the focus or framing was. They are quintessentially Bella, as she was that day.

These are the moments that represent her today: learning to walk on her own.



More often than not, these blocks are in her hands, and they make me smile every time.



And still, she needs a hand, just because.

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Glowing MJ!

(So that father's day post was scheduled to go up on Tuesday. And Blogger never sent it! So now you'll get two posts in quick succession, hope that's okay!)

MJ finally let me take pictures of her beautiful belly. Her husband was grungy from a bike ride, but hopefully we'll have a chance to include him in a few before MJ pops. She's due in a few days and I'm ridiculously excited about it.

I had so much fun taking and editing these. My camera and I were in a tiff the day we took these, and so I'm amazed at how many I like. I felt like I had all the settings wrong, and I always had the wrong lens on for every moment. And as for editing, man I need practice. Not to mention since my computer can't read RAW files it's a very elaborate process involving two differently calibrated monitors on laptops, so they change their color depending on the angle anyhow. I can't imagine what these will look like printed out.

Luckily the subject is so outstanding that it doesn't matter! My favorite thing about taking photos of MJ (which I do frequently since she's good friends with Bella, and a beautiful confident subject, and simply because she lets me get away with it) is that she and her home are so colorful. Who can resist such amazing colors around every corner?

So, without further ado, MJ:



As soon as I got to MJ's, I noticed the evening light fading out of the nursery. I rushed MJ to sit under the window before the room ran out of light. In no time at all MJ will be rocking in this chair with her baby.



And of course, with a knitting mama, this boy will be decked out in the best knits.



Then we headed out onto the deck for a cuppa tea, where of course the light was nice again.



See? Didn't I tell you she's beautiful? She is the definition of glowing.



And then we popped indoors for a minute, where I made MJ pose with baby's first outfit.



When MJ saw all the photos of her hands on her belly she was surprised, not knowing that she unconsciously did that. I think all mamas get used to petting their bellies.



Thanks for always letting me take your pictures, MJ! (And yes, your belly is totally already bigger than in this photo!)

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Father's Day

We had a nice Father's Day, I'd say, as far as weekends go. I worked the first part of the day, so Dave got to sleep in with Bella and enjoy her all afternoon. Our evening plans were canceled, so we went on a walk to Starbucks so I could get some good photos of the duo. Later, while the sun faded away (around here on the longest day of the year, that's sometime around 9:30pm) we took to the living room and tricked Bella into walking.

She took her first steps a few weeks ago, but has since refused to walk for me. She walks for Dave when he gets home from work, but that's it. So Dave and I sat face to face and coaxed Bella to walk between us. Every time she had her back turned, I inched backward. In half an hour we had her walking across the room, wobble wobble.

Today, for the first time ever, she decided to spend the day walking. She walked all over MJ's house. She walked for broccoli. She walked for toys, for hugs, for no reason at all. She's a walking fool now.

Oh, this first stage of walking is so adorable. It's like she has legs of rubber. She falls forward, but catches herself and proudly defies gravity, hovering until she rights herself again. Those uneven steps. Sometimes she finds herself going sideways. Where are these feet taking me? Sometimes she steps too high, too far, like she's wading through tall grass. Sometimes her legs go faster than she knows and she starts running until she's flat on her face. And always, always she gets back up. She's ready to take on the world.

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More than you wanted to know.

Ouch. I got tagged. Amy, could you have possibly picked a longer survey in the entire world??

What Is Your Current Obsession?
Photography. (Can you tell?)

What Are You Wearing Today?
Jeans. Container Store shirt. Sleeping baby. (I just got home from work.)

What's for dinner?
Uhm. Left over chicken soup. (Happy Father's Day!)

What Would You Eat for Your Last Meal?
Uhm. I plead the 5th.

What's the Last Thing You Bought?
Groceries.

What Are You Listening To Right Now?
Harry Potter audio books (gotta get ready!!) and Bella crying (uh, looks like this is to be continued...)


Hey look, it's 36 hours later...


If you could go anywhere in the world in the next hour, where would you go?
Probably to my parents' house. Gosh, I'd love to see the world, but right now all I want is a hug and to see Bella walk towards my parents.

(where i lived in france vs. home sweet home)



Which language do you want to learn?
Japanese. Actually I'd like them all and you'll find throughout this survey that I'm very indecisive.

What do you love most about where you currently live?
I picked it. Ocean? 20 minutes away. Mountains? 20 minutes away? Waterfalls, check. Hiking, check. Greenery, check. Moody sky, check. BEST BERRY SEASON EVER, check. The only thing I miss is my parents and thunderstorms.



What is your favourite colour?
Again, the 5th. I would get bored of any one color. That's why we have them all, duh.

What is your favourite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?
Does my mei tai count? If not, then it's the skirt I wore before my wedding.



What were you doing ten years ago?
(Please don't laugh. I know I'm young.) I was 15 (going on 16) in denial about spending my first summer in Pennsylvania. Hmmm, was that the year I went to Ireland? Man, I suck at time keeping.

Describe your personal style?
Careless. Not to be confused with carefree. No, I'm the kind of person who leaves the house without brushing my hair or checking for stains on my shirt. Most of my clothes are hand-me-downs. Dressing up is rare, though I do love it.

If you had $300 right now what would you spend it on?
Bills. That makes my heart sink to type that.

What are you going to do after this?
Upload photos and growl at my husband's computer (since the screen is NOT displaying what the photo actually looks like).

What inspires you?
Beautiful objects. Nature. Passionate people.

What are your favourite films?
We circulate about 30 dvds in our dvd player over and over and over. Among them are Firefly, Princess Bride, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, UHF, LOTR, Shawshank Redemption, the list goes on.

Whose work/designs are you inspired by?
I love the knitting on Brooklyn Tweed, and I'm always inspired on Flickr and Shutter Sisters, people come up with such great things.

Your favourite books?
Let me say hear! hear! to Amy ("Some favourites from different times in my life: One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez... A Prayer for Owen Meaney by John Irving.") and add Harry Potter (yes, I did.) and ... omg I haven't actually read a book since college. Darn. Let's say Robert Frost. I have time to read in segments.

Do You Collect Anything?
I used to collect stuffed animals. I seem to collect bills, recipes and photos and file them away, never to be seen again. Now I'm doing my best not to collect clutter. How to people make collections not feel cluttered??

What makes you follow a blog?
Nice photography. A compelling story. Creative/interesting writing. Shorter posts that hit home (obviously something I have yet to emulate). Some or all of the above.

What was the most enjoyable thing you did today?
I pulled up my own radishes while weeding in the garden WITHOUT A CRYING BABY. And I watched Bella walk around for her first day ever.

What's one thing you dream of doing?
Pay off bills and get a home. Once I know where home is, it will be much easier to travel the world. :O)

Whew. I think I'm going to be delinquent and not tag anyone. If you want to respond to any/all of these, leave them in the comments or link me to your post!

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Here we go again

Dear Bella,

What a long month this has been. Long, as in trying and tiresome (but still short). No month is ever lengthy anymore. They all pass in the blink of an eye. Of course, I wouldn't mind if your tantrums passed in the blink of an eye. But, as you are my daughter, I knew what I'd be getting into. I remember very well the need to have things my way, to have the last word, and to have physical retaliation when things became to much to process. Yesterday was the first day I had to take you out of the library kicking and screaming. I'm sure there's more of that to come.

You're into hitting right now. I can see it in your eyes, that aggressive decision borne from frustration. It always seemed like an easy thing to sort out as a nanny, but as a mom, my response lasts a life time. I'm trying not to say no, because NO! to you means KID IN A CANDY STORE!! You now go up to things I've yelled No! at you for, and you put your hand on them and say, No? just hoping I'll explode and entertain you. Oh well. I'm sure I'll figure it out. 1,000 more slaps from you and I might finally figure out how to demonstrate gentleness (sadly, not my first reaction!) instead of grabbing your hand away, in hopes that someday you'll catch on.

We're night weaning right now. It was going REALLY well, we were down to just a few fusses and one nurse in the middle of the night (that's fine with me, down from 5 nursings!) when last night I realized I had a plugged duct. No prob, I thought. Amazing Bella Sucker, work your magic. But no. I woke you up five times last night to get you to nurse in the hopes of relief. Today I'm as engorged as I was when my milk came in, and there's no end in sight. I really hope this does not escalate and ruin our nursing.

(eta: After 24 hours of pain, frustration, and worry - and grumping on your behalf since you were sick of sucking on a stuck boob - all is well with the world. Let's not let this happen again, k?)

On the up side, my whiny little baby who must follow me wherever I even glance, turned instantly into Confident Happy Child again after nursing all night. Coincidence? Oh man, I hope so. Maybe you're just getting used to the whole walking thing, so it's not messing you up as much.

Did I mention that you walk? It might take us an hour, but you're determined to walk allll the way to the park yourself. My other favorite things about you this month: you play peekaboo everywhere, you love walking up and down stairs, and you whisper back to me when I whisper to you. It's the most endearing thing ever.

Okay child, perhaps not the best letter, but there it is. Happy 14 months. Exactly two years ago I started caring for you, and I promise I'll never stop.

Love,
mama

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savoring: baby love

Since she spends half the day driving me nuts, I thought it was a good time to share what I love about the other half of the time. Otherwise it's easy to overlook.

She crawls with these blocks in her hand, and I can hear her coming from the other side of the apartment. Fwop, fwop. Fwop, fwop.




Sometimes I look up from what I'm doing to find one eye peering out at me, engaged in a one-sided game of peek-a-boo. She plays peek-a-boo behind anything: my lap top, a book, a washcloth, a chair leg. When I duck away I always find her eyes edging around the corner to find me first- the temptation is too great and it cracks me up.




She wants to walk, but it has to be on her terms. I offer her my finger when I get up to cross the room (lest she think I'm leaving her forever), and as she reaches for it, she shrieks and drops to the floor in a tantrum. To think, I almost tricked her into accepting help.




I love the dirty tops of her feet. It won't be much longer until only the bottoms are this filthy.




She's exploring food as babies do. Even if she's hungry, food is too exciting to simply eat. A handful of cheerios to scatter across the floor. She squishes them meticulously with her pointer finger and watches them jump across the carpet.




We can look at each other now when she nurses. It used to distract her too much. Now I have the luxury of gazing into her quiet, searching eyes. Sometimes it becomes a staring contest and I see just what it takes to get her to pop off because she can't nurse while smiling. Those are my favorite smiles.

She's still a squirmy nurser, but with intent these days. She nurses so seriously, concentrating on something far away. But those feet. She always offers them to me. Care for a taste? I always do. They're delicious.

How did I not notice that they've doubled in size? Time for another round of ink prints.

Whatever she's holding, she has to share. If it's paper, she rips it in half and hands me whatever made it to her right hand. Again and again until the paper is too small to rip, and then we start all over. It's very important business.




We're working on more sleep at night. This one's not a solid sleeper, never has been. It's tough work, but I wouldn't give up sleeping with her for anything. How long will I get to roll over and feel a tickle of sweet baby hair under my nose? Waking up to that sleepy girl with a crescent of milk on the corner of her mouth, it's worth it all.

Oh, and this face. Bottle this feeling up and spread it across the world. Instant bliss.

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thought splatter

I've been so short with Bella lately. Mostly because she's needy right now. If I take one step, she's right behind me. She crawls behind me, crying, even if I'm just walking two feet to the trash can. It's worst when I'm doing laundry or dishes and I go room to room collecting stragglers. My little blubbering shadow. Push her away when she needs the most, that makes sense, Shawna.

She's hitting really hard these days. I'd like to think it's a phase, but she's ALWAYS been a hitter. You lean in close for a kiss and she cat swipes your face. She seems all cuddly and then WHAM, a smack across the head out of the blue. I don't know how to show her to be gentle any more than I already have and the more she hits the less I feel like demonstrating gentle behavior.

After a whole year without the word NO! suddenly I'm frustrated and it escapes my mouth every other sentence. Usually in tandem with grabbing her away from something (the computer!). It's a meaningless expression of aggravation. It's not a teaching tool, it's power indulgence. And it backfires more often than not anyhow, since she's watching my every reaction. Noes are exciting. We're stepping into a power struggle, and if I don't stop it, we'll both lose.

I got my first heavy period in several years. It must be the night weaning, even just the thought of it, since we haven't accomplished much yet. The disheartening part of it is how much it made my leg hurt. It's hard to say what it feels like. Not painful, not yet anyhow. It's like how a limb feels when you've had your legs crossed and suddenly the blood flows fully again. It's feels warm and full of sand. It takes extra effort to lift it in even stride with my other leg. And then there are the hot shooting pains that radiate down past my knees. It's all rather unpleasant, but not painful. But I know it can be and the fact that it's already back is the only thing I'm dreading about future pregnancies. I would, after all, like Bella to have siblings.

When I was in high school, I bent my knee backward in gym class. A friend gave me a few pain killers to get through the day. The notes I took that day are squiggly and illegible because I was in so much pain. For weeks afterward (and random intervals after that) I had to get up in the middle of the night and walk around because the pain was worst when I was sitting or lying down for long periods of time. I never understood that. I still don't, but I do know that lying in bed last night I realized how similar the experiences are. I wonder what I did to my leg that day.

I caught a cold. In the summer? What a weird time to have a cold. It's because staying up late (sometimes I'm at work until 2am) messed just enough with my immune system that the cold got the better of me. I'm really beginning to resent a job that I used to love.

A block in the center of town burnt down last night. A five alarm fire. We could see the smoke rising up over the area where the farmer's market is held. I could smell it drifting in through my windows as I tried (unsuccessfully) to fall asleep. A beautiful cupcake shop. A sweet antique store where I window shop. A vacuum store that I would have visited yesterday had I not been sick. (I broke a belt trying to vacuum up my moby wrap, you see.) Apartments upstairs. One hundred years of town history in that building and today they are gone.


Yep, that's about it. Wow. Time to post a savoring list, me thinks. It's getting gloomy in here.

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Spinning

I can't tear my eyes away from her and she turns to check on me, surprised to find me staring. Her return gaze is enough to send a bolt of lighting through me. And now we're caught, eye to eye, spinning and falling soul-to-soul until she breaks the spell with one of those amazing smiles. Maybe it's the cheesy grin. Maybe it's the full out joy smile. Sometimes it's the sly crooked grin. I didn't know you'd been watching me, Mama. Come see what I'm doing! And I do.

She's used to it by now. Yesterday we spent the entire day out and about. When we got home, all I could do was stare. Where did those teeth come from? MJ says her nose looks different. It does look a bit more buttony these days. Where did she learn to talk with her toys like that? Who taught her that sound effect? The list goes on and on until I realize that someone has taken my daughter and returned her likeness.

She seems the same, and yet... I can't put my finger on it. She's different. She's growing up, and I blinked and they took her away and now I have to reacquaint myself with this new version. Bella 2.0. She's really quite fun. Cuddly and bubbly and capricious. But I'm sure as soon as I get the hang of her... out with the old, in with the new. Every step she takes makes the world spin just a bit faster. I know I can't ask her to slow down. So I stare. And absorb. And revel in every moment I can spend soaking her in while she doesn't mind.

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To market to market.

Bella and I had a wonderful opening day at the farmer's market. Even though we weren't regulars last year, it was refreshing to get back into the groove, see old vendors. The stands had moved around quite a bit, and people were buzzing around getting the bearings like bees in a new hive.

It's the beginning of the season, but it has been uncharacteristically hot and dry here. That means we even had a bit of fruit to decorating the stands! And it was a bit inspiring to see the garlic and radishes and green onions that I'll be pulling up (sooner or later).

For the most part visiting each farm stand was like seeing old friends. Of course, there's always the exception. At the nursery stand I asked the woman which variety of cherry tomatoes would grow best in part sun on my porch. Honestly, I was asking mostly just to start a conversation. She had been sitting there, people watching with a rather sullen demeanor. She asked exactly how many hours of sun and seemed even more offended by my response, eleven to five. And then as I thanked her and told her I'd be back at the end, all she said was That baby's getting red.

Well, duh. It was over 85 and sunny. People out here just aren't used to the heat. But really, why would you attend a booth at a farmer's market if you're not even going to make pleasant conversation?

But mostly we're already back into the groove of making vendor friends. We stopped by the meat stand and bought our first bit of local grass-fed beef. And the people there were so nice. I have to say I'm looking forward to the market every week this year.

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