Hiding
**Tomorrow the Picture Spring workshop begins! (No, I don't scrapbook, but I lovvvve Tracey Clark and I WON the class, so it must be a sign.) March was quite the month around here, and it's time to get this post out of the way so the good vibes of spring can wash it away. Here we go, April!**
It has now been one year since Dave was laid off. He tried his best at a new career that did not end up fitting our family, and now we are back where we began. A whole year later.
I'm finding that the hardest part of all this is continuing to be social, to still enjoy being with people. When life is not going right, all I want to do is hide under the covers, hole up in the house and pretend no one can see me. When the optimism gets sucked out of life, even amidst all the beauty, all I want to do is avoid people and their seemingly perfect lives.
Meeting for coffee might seem simple, but it is not in my budget. My house is always open, but be forewarned that my fridge is embarrassingly empty. Conversations about this or that class someone's child is taking brings a bitter taste to my mouth. I'd like to echo those words, Really, it's not that expensive, just 50 dollars a month! If I had fifty dollars a month, I'd pay my phone bill so that I'd no longer have to field awkward questions about why no one can reach me by phone. Honestly, I'm finding the silence peaceful.
The best parts of my day are when a friend says, I know, we were there when our kids were little. It's hard to believe now, but you will get through it. It's true, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. We were supposed to have gotten there by now. So I just have to hold on to those words. My biggest regret is that this bit of Bella's life is being overshadowed by my own gloom. Kisses on my belly, naps that end with a squeaky groggy voice and a pat pat on my stomach. Hello, Baby! Afternoons of playing Hide-and-Shriek with Daddy. Stroller walks that never seem to end. It's beautiful, and I have to take care not to let material worries hide that from me.
Sometimes I think it would be easier if we lived in a less money-centric society. We have so many kind family and friends that offer us what they can when they can. But in our society, we are not taught to receive without repayment. It is embarrassing to take, take, take. And even worse, because we are bred on monetary and material exchange, it makes it awkward to offer anything back. All I have to give in return is my time. It's a hard thing to define, and it becomes even harder when you offer it to people who (just like you) were not raised to accept gifts of time and talent. What is the worth of an offer to hold a baby while a new mom showers? And how many actually accept it?
All this has given me a slight insight into the happiness of communities with very little money. If you are used to giving yourself, it must surely be easier to accept similar gifts from others. You never have to turn someone down for a lunch date or panic at the thought of company coming over to see your empty cabinets. Friendship is enough. You give what you can and accept repayment in kind. What a difficult concept.
And yet somehow it seems that once I master it and surround myself with people who understand, I'll be able to go back to enjoying my family and friends, to feeling less inadequate. I dream of repaying everyone who has filled me back up over the last year as I reached low after low. It might take years, decades perhaps. We're nowhere near the top of this mountain and if any one person holding us up suddenly left, we'd slide right back down. And still, I'm realizing that it might not take so long to give thanks - it'll simply take a shift in my perspective (oh, is that all?) and my understanding of what it means to repay someone.
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