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All in all it was a good day, now that I am looking back on it.

Of course, I say this at 11:30pm with a bright awake daughter squirming in my lap, tracing my hand with her fingers and feeling up my keyboard.

The kiddo did not sleep well last night. And as I sleep within several inches of her, I also did not sleep well last night. She kicked and wiggled through every dream, woke up but refused the boob, and squirmed herself back into a restless sleep. My legs are nearly shredded from her vicious little toe nails.

I wish I could say that I'm used to functioning on minimal sleep, but I'm not. That's why we co-sleep, so mama's diner is a self serve buffet all night and I don't have to wake up for a thing. So I blame everything that follows on my lack of sleep.

Dave and I went across the street to pick blackberries for scones this morning, and I intended to turn the stove down low so my rice would simmer away merrily fluffing itself in our stead. Intended to. The full meaning of that phrase hit me as we approached our apartment, and only then did a distant shrill beeping sound register in my mind. Dave dashed the rest of the way, bravely turned off the stove, opened all the windows, and threw the pot on the porch while I paced embarassedly outside and explained to our very concerned upstairs neighbor (who was running towards me after having just informed the office that we might need help) that this was a simple case of bird brain and burnt rice. To which he replied sweetly, "Oh man, totally, I know. I love rice, too."

I suppose not every rice eater will make such a catastrophic mess over the course of their culinary career, but it was a nice gesture of comfort from The Dude Upstairs Who Is Moving Out This Weekend.

So as I tried to regain my composure, Bella and I went inside. I offered her the toilet, knowing she had to go after such a long walk, but alas, no takers. We sat down to nurse where she promptly sighed and peed all over me, missing the diaper completely. At that point, I looked down and realized (having forgotten to take off my shoes in all the smokey excitement) that I had dog crap hanging in globs off my sandals, and God knows where else I tracked it in the carpet.

So a lingering smoke headache and a 15 minute sanity nap later, and I was finally ready to make those damn scones. Mmmm the batter looked perfect, and everything was wonderful. Twenty minutes after popping them in the oven, I ran to the kitchen, panicked that I had forgotten my burning scones. But they were still gooey and fine, as was my new rice, happily burbling away on the range. HALF AN HOUR later (the recipe says 20 minutes, mind you), I jumped up from nursing Bella and ran to the stove in a panic. Had I missed the smell of scones burning beneath the pervasive scorched odor now polluting our apartment? Alas, no. In fact, they were still gooey, and the poor rice was drowning, not fluffing. After much grumbing and dreading a broken stove on my behalf, Dave found that the breaker had been flipped. That has never happened before, ever.

Hmm, needless to say, work also sucked tonight. When it rains, it pours.

But when I got home, Bella could not wait to see me.
It's the same each night, but it never gets old. She is so excited that she flings her arms and legs straight out. She would fly right to me, if it were not for Dave restraining her. And woe to the person who is holding her if I try to walk away once she has spotted me.

We sit down and nurse (I think my bra actually sighed audibly), and as usual she is too happy to see me to concentrate. Too giddy to nurse. She stares at me, giggles, goes down for a sip, and comes back up again to make sure I'm still here. Just checking, Mommy. I spent all night without a bit of you. All the while her face is plastered with a perma-grin. No wonder she can't nurse properly, how could she drink anything with that smile ready to leap off her face right onto mine? She truly cannot take her eyes off me for more than a second, and I'm bathing in her piercing gaze. She's adoring me and memorizing me all at once.

Still, an hour later and I'm starting to wish she were asleep. She's twitchier than Bunny and delirious with fatigue. She's so social it's usually impossible to nurse her to sleep but it's late, so I try. I close my eyes so when she looks up at me she might take a hint, or at least won't be encouraged to play. But as hard as I try to ignore her, she tries harder to get my attention. Drunken milk-moustache smiles turn into wiggles, turn into squeals, turn into stacatto squeaks to get me to look at her. Who could resist such an invitation? Mom, hey Mommy. Yoo hoo... Over here. You've been gone all night, and I haven't filled back up with you yet.

Me neither, kiddo, me neither.

We spend the rest of the night grinning and drinking each other in. Indeed, if for nothing more than this moment, today has been wonderful.

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The toothbrush test

Before naps or bedtime, when Isabelle seems tired (red rimmed eyes, incessant rubbing of eyes, panicky sucking on anything within an inch of her face) but is not ready to sleep (oh how we hates it, precious), I administer the Toothbrush Test to determine her Sleepability Quotient. The procedure involves me brushing my teeth while Bella looks on from the wrap.

(note: a higher number indicates a higher probability of sleep.)

1. Toothbrush barely elicits response. It moves back and forth. yip.ee. Anything in else in the room is infinitely more exciting. (Look at me, I'm in the mirror, I'm famous! Smile for the camera!)

2. Toothbrush is interesting and worth the effort to reach for it. It's colorful and moves back and forth, how delicious. Smacks lips. Above all, it's mommy's and therefore must be cool.

3. Toothbrush is enthralling. Look how it moves back and forth! Cannot. Tear. Eyes. Away. Yawn... Prepare the pillows, this girl's about to crash.

4,000. Toothbrush transports Isabelle to a different dimension. (Often this is seen in the inability to focus, crossed eyes, swaying head.) When it is evident that my actions captivate her in the way that only a psychedelic dancing tooth brush streaking across the galaxy can, then sleep is either imminent or too far gone.

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Love Thursday

"Sometimes it takes a tiny flaw to make you realise how perfect the rest of love can be."

A macro shot of the trees that Bella loves so dearly. I happened to notice one day that while the majority of needles grew like any other, a few of them turned into almost perfectly shaped hearts. I then spent the next 15 minutes trying to get a shot that was not entirely blurry as Bella squirmed in her wrap and swatted the trees. Happy Love Thursday from Bella's point of view.

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Wordless Wednesday: Anticipation

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Five years of pie

Shutter Sisters has a good post today about photos showing you a slice of life. It's a nice reminder how intimate candid shots can be, and how revealing everything that is NOT the subject of the photo really is. Each detail tells a piece of the story, just as every photo lends us a peek into an entire life.

So here for your viewing pleasure, some pie. Memorable slices of my life over the last 5 years.

June 2003, the Grandpa how I remember him best. Master gardener, master salmon barbecuer. John just looking on, Alyssa vying for attention... not much changes!


July 2004, walking home at dusk one night, my friend saw this trampoline. He has always wanted to try one, so he knocked on the family's door. The son came out to bounce with him, and when they had their fill, we walked on home. I think of this moment every time I'm too nervous to go for something I've always dreamed about.


September 2006, blown away by that amazing Gorge wind, one of my favorite activities.


September 2006, my view from bed the morning after our wedding. The window was open and the warm light and cool breeze and sound of the waterfall outside made snuggling back into the comforter all the more enticing.


June 2007, Theo was the only one who wanted to make a mountain of seaweed. I don't think he realized how long this piece was when he started dragging it, but it didn't matter to him! Seeing the family in the background, I realize what an amazing place the beach is for kids, and I can't wait to take Bella.


April 2008, my mom holding Isabelle just moments after she was born, my aunt looking on. Best day ever.

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Unplugged #2: Cylinder

Okay so this week's word was hard for a baby, haha. We started with the idea of going out to see Jupiter with the [old, cylinder-shaped] binoculars (telescope is still in Pennsylvania, of course!) but weather has been against us. I've worked a night shift every clear night we've had! I did go out on the porch while Bella was sleeping in the wrap, but the trees obscured much of my view, so we didn't catch any moons.

The planets are aligned again (and the best views are almost over!), so if you have a nice horizon as the sun sets, you will see Saturn, Mercury, Venus and a nice red Mars setting in order behind it. Venus you can often see during sunset because it is so bright. Jupiter stays up much later, so be sure to take a peek after sunset at the very bright "star"and perhaps you will see Calisto, Io, Europa, and Ganymede. They are often spread out, and easily spotted with good binocs or a telescope! Uranus and Neptune will rise in the SE later in the night.

But I digress. In order to not entirely cop out on the cylinder theme we scrounged for a different activity. Grandpa (Papa Razzi) was in town, so we finally got out the newborn footprint kit (hah!) and dove in. We did the mixing in a cylinder!



Unfortunately, the "quick set plaster" did not set so quickly. So we waited and waited and goofed off and waited some more. I must have mixed improperly because we ended up waiting almost a half an hour instead of 3-6 minutes!


Bella started getting sleepy with all this exciting waiting, but the plaster finally congealed. We did the feet just in time, and they turned out great!


They weren't the reason I had been procrastinating this project, however. Bella refuses to open her hands for anyone but her mouth. She might reach out and touch something, but half the time her fists are closed for that, too! So I was waiting for an age when she might leave that little fist of hers unclenched.

No luck.


As soon as I put her hand down, she dug in with her fingers. Not that it mattered much; by then my not-so-quick set plaster had gotten back on track in a hurry. All I got was a smeary impression of finger tips!


I had intended to do her hands last so I could wash them right away, but I got distracted trying to stir the plaster back into liquidnessity so we could retry the prints. Notice her face on this second round of hand prints. Apparently neither Grandpa nor Daddy noticed (in all of their rapid fire camera shooting) that she was smearing plaster ev.er.y.where.

In the end, cylinder or not, we had family fun time, got Bella's four month prints sent off to Grandma (who insists she loves them), and Bella had a great nap when all was through.

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Golden delicious

A post over at Shutter Sisters made me realize how little I am taking advantage of this scrumptious golden light we have during summer evenings. And now that I have a new camera to experiment with, no less! I shoot into the sunset often enough, but I rarely get the satisfying golden effect. It's hard to plan between rainy days and night shifts, but now I feel the call to catch more more more! Must have gold!

Going through my past few years of photos, I only found two scenes that I love. One in Greece in 2005, and the other this summer when Bella was 2 months old.

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Sometimes you feel like a nut

We have a mysterious unexplained occurrence happening right around the corner adding excitement to our every day lives. The Almond Joy Caper.

As I walked down the road one day, I saw a candy wrapper. Litterers, I thought. At least they have good taste. Then I noticed that there was a trail of wrappers and it led to a pile. Perhaps it accumulated over time.


The next time I walked by, someone had cleaned up the roadside.

But the next time I walked by, the mess had returned.


This pile disappears and reappears weekly, and I have enjoyed watching for it under that little bush along side this four lane road. It's one of those stories that is too bizarre to believe without seeing. My imagination runs wild with the mystery of it. Is it one kid or more? Are the candy bars stolen? Has anyone ever noticed as they pass by on this busy road? What is so special about that little spot? Who cleans it up each week? Mostly though, I'm driven by WHY. What is it about this person that he has to sneak away to devour candy bars beneath a tree, but then leaves the wrappers for anyone to see?

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A common exchange when I chat with someone who has heard I have a baby:

Is she sleeping through the night?

In the past I generally have replied no, but the looks from that response (gasp! choke! you would admit to such a grave issue?) are almost worse than acknowledging that we share the bed.

Actually, since we sleep together, it's not a big issue.

(Long pause for processing: a. they sleep together, b. baby still nurses at night, c. what is this mother getting herself into?)

Oh, how's that going for you? How long are you going to let that last?


Honestly, it's not really an inconvenience. Isabelle does not cry at night, we rarely even wake up longer than the time it takes to get her nursing, and then we sleep-nurse. I cannot imagine being without her at night. It pains my heart to think of her having to go to sleep unwillingly without me. I love to hear her dreams and feel her breath, watch her stir from time to time. I love to roll over and know that she is right there, in the nook of my arm. I have dreamed of this time together, and it is anything but a problem.

We don't co-sleep to prove a point, we do it because it works for us. I have nothing against the mother who is not getting enough sleep and is at wits end and the baby is up all night nursing and they're restless and neither one really ever gets into a deep sleep so mom finally throws in the towel and puts her baby in another bed or another room and they sleep happily ever after. Do whatever works. She was there when her baby needed to be close and transition from womb to world. She did not make her baby sleep in the cold night out of range of any human presence. She tried what worked and when it no longer did, she changed. Right now Bella and I are in a place that works. She misses me while I am away and we get to snuggle and reconnect all night. When that stops working perhaps we will change.

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A post at an unschooling blog has brought up the interesting topic of mothers rejoicing that school is back in session, so they are free at last. Whether they believe that or simply just say it to save face, it is a stinging reminder that when you are a parent,

Your life becomes simple and monotonous

You can't wait for moments without your children

Or at least that is how society perceives you. It is hard to break through to the idea that children can be great companions, and helping them grow and learn makes being with them even more fun.

There is nothing in this world that I would trade for all the time that I spend with Isabelle. I do not want to look back and regret not having her near when I had the time. What strikes me as odd are the looks of disbelief (you let her fall asleep on you? you don't ever have her in a stroller? you sleep together?) I get from mamas who also have lost pregnancies and more. I suppose I offer myself to them, imagining that these are women who would break any norms in order to appreciate what they finally have in their arms. So their lack of understanding catches me off guard. Why would I purposefully distance myself from watching her live and grow up? I have dreamed of her all my life, and she is more perfect than I could have imagined. She warms my pillows, my shirt, my soul, and I will take all the cuddling I can get while she is still offering.

I never imagined I could miss someone so much even for the few hours that Bella and I are apart. I enjoy work as a chance to refresh myself, but I really enjoy the time that Bella and I are together. I hate that society does not see children as people worth spending time around and we are expected to become tired and annoyed by them. Yes, life with children can become tedious at times. You might hit a stride and forget to enjoy yourself, start resenting one another's presence. But I do not want to be that parent who cheers when school starts up again. I look forward to finding engaging ways to teach Bella myself. Don't point at me and laugh in that jaded way for dreaming of loving my child for who she is and enjoying the time we spend together. I plan to soak up every moment of her short childhood, and relish in watching her grow.

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Every few nights I draw a hot bath and I lock myself in the bathroom and slip under the steaming water for no less than half an hour. My back, my brain, my being, they all get a rest. For that span of time, I have no cares in the world and I escape. When all the stress of the day has washed away and I have nothing left but satisfied memories, I race through the actual cleaning part, hop into my clothes and head back into the real world, eager to see my family again.

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Sometimes I envision the Almond Joy Caper as a mother, slipping over her backyard fence while the kids are engrossed in the sand box, a small knapsack of her favorite treats in tow. She squats next to the bush, transformed suddenly into a child hiding in the cupboard after climbing on the counter to steal the cookie jar. She looks around, tries to hide herself from the traffic and the dog walkers. She can hardly wait to unwrap the first one, but savors it before devouring the rest and casting aside the wrappers. After her guilty moment, she returns to her yard smiling ear to ear, refreshed enough to jump into the sand box and enjoy playing with her kids.

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Love Thursday

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Dog days of August

I've always loved the heat. I don't even mind the humidity if I get to wear what I want and don't have to be somewhere smelling like daisies. I'm not an advocate of AC. I don't have it in my car, and since moving here I don't have it in my apartment.

Unfortunately, having a kid now, the heat becomes a bit less manageable. Grumpiness is ten fold in strength, naps are hard to come by, the sling gets Bella sweaty, and nursing is unbearably hot for us both. How do people stand the heat with kids? I know they do it all over the world, but one string of 90 degree days, and we're at wit's end. I can only enjoy the heat when Bella is asleep in front of a fan and I have nothing planned for the day.

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Unplugged #1: Trees

We are officially jumping on the Unplug Your Kids train. Bella's too tiny to take much away from these experiences, but it gives me a weekly focal point, a place to regroup and do something officially together, as family.

This week was Trees. It seemed like a great place to start since they are Bella's favoritethingintheworld. I wanted to read The Giving Tree, but my copy must be in Pennsylvania, so we decided to plan a picnic under a tree. However, we were at our weekly "Sunday" dinner, and the apple trees were getting full, so a better idea struck us. We have a new camera to play with (yippee!), so we decided to record our first apple picking together.

First, Bella swatted a few apples down.



Then I taught Dave how to shine apples on your jeans.

(before)

(after)

And for the sake of fairness, we went and visited the plum tree, but green plums really aren't my thing!

This summer Rocky's going to teach us how to can apple sauce, so that will be another great apple picking adventure!

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Good Morning, Sunshine

Mornings with Isabelle are refreshing. At night she goes into a different realm, perhaps wherever she existed just a few months ago before her first breath. It's a long time to be away, and waking up must be like coming home to the aroma of fresh baked cookies. Comfort and happiness, a world full of possibility. Sometimes I'm not fully awake until she is babbling away, but she thrashes in her sleep for several minutes, so I usually have enough time to rub the haze out of my eyes and enjoy her morning routine.

She opens her eyes a little. Closes them and tries again.

Wait, where am I? Oh, that's right, I'm alive again! Oh, isn't this wonderful! Hello, ceiling. Hello, lamp. Pillow! I'm so glad you're with me... and just as tasty as always. And wait, what do we have here? Hands? How exciting. Hello hands, we are going to have so much fun today.

I watch her as she studies her hands. Before they enter her mouth for the requisite finger exploration and tasting, she holds them out in front of her face to examine them. First a fist, up close, then a whole hand spread out before her. She admires them against the ceiling, shifts and looks at them in contrast now to the wall. Front to back, side to side. How pretty. Yes, today we will have adventures together, I think.

She awakens unaware of the rest of the world, but content in herself. It is not until I greet her with a soft good morning that she remembers me. Startled out of her thoughts, her eyes widen with surprise, and then she breaks into her biggest smile. Mommy! I wasn't expecting to see you here. How nice. We're going to have such a great day.

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