Year end

Dear Bella,

I have been very negligent about writing to you girls this season. Since Daddy works seven days a a week now with no days off, it's all I can do to keep up with you and my business and personal thoughts. I have yet to recover from the Great Editing Crash of 2010. It took me months to edit all those photos since Lillia was born, and I don't have the heart to start over.

You and Lia are starting to play together a bit more. Sometimes you will laugh hysterically for a half an hour just because Lillia loves it so much. You are very doting and will pile toys on Lia's lap up to her chest, just to be sure she is content. Of course, that is not to say that we haven't had a few mishaps, such as when Lia fell over because your boot hit Lia's head... while it was on your foot. Hm. However could that happen? Good thing you told me about it. What a mean boot.

We're about to get into trouble with door locks, too. So far I have been able to appeal to your independent side with, Open this door or mommy will do it. Alas, I tried one day and realized the doors will not unlock. Time to get new knobs, I think, before you get wiser. (May I just say, a month later in hind-sight, you wizened up that same day. We had to remove all the knobs from the doors until Grandpa made us a key...)

Bella, what can I say about you. It has been a really rough month for sleep. I'm sure I will never understand what is so defeating to you about falling asleep. I'm sure the trip to Oregon (and the ensuing cold) did not help, but we had so much fun. We sing lullabies at bedtime, and you now request your favorite verses. You like the twinklesky song, the achyricefishisnice song, and the appsybetsy spider. You also astounded us by running through the entire ABCs one day.

You have had so many miniature grown up moments this month. You say whatever and sigh and roll your eyes at me. No clue where you might have gotten that from. The one I hope to never forget was the train incident when (in a Voodoo Doughnut sugar high frenzy) you spilled my entire water bottle on our table and then stood up on your seat in the quiet car and shouted with delight, "Oh shit! It's raining!"

There are so many little things I wish I recorded that escape me when I sit down to write. It has been an immense change to have you every single day without a break, and I will confess I have had a short temper lately. I find that my attitude ripples and the shorter I am, the more unmanageable you become. When I get in over my head, you come to me with kisses and ask, That better? Mommy's happy now. After that, I always am.

I'm trying to be the bigger person, I promise. I have never been a peaceful person and to start learning as a parent is a challenge. You are my favorite crash course in personal growth and I'd never want it any other way. :O)

Love, mama

P.S. 6 gazillion pictures and not one of us together because you refuse to admit you like me, especially in front of the camera. (Except in those sweet moments when you tiptoe quietly up to me and say, Mama, I love you somuch. You know all the right words.)

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holidays begin

For my mom, here is Bella in the dress she made last year. She even has room to grow.

I cannot believe we have come again to the holidays. When we moved into this house a year ago I thought Bella seemed so big and grown up. That grown up Bella looks so little in comparison to today.

We dressed up tonight so that I could attend a party. It has been a long time since we have taken Bella out past her bedtime because of her sleep issues. Tonight she blew me away. She had fun, she enjoyed herself, she goofed off with my friends, she didn't get herself in trouble or throw a tantrum. As we left she waited at the car door patiently, and once in the car she had a box of stickers under one arm and politely asked for the other one in plain English. It's so easy to grant her wishes when they are so calmly stated. We talked about the party on the way home, and I kept pinching myself because it has been so long since I've enjoyed going out with Bella. It was wonderful to have a glimpse of rational grown up Bella. There's so much to look forward to, and it somehow makes it easier to enjoy what we have now.

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a very happy day

Just popping in to wish my beautiful baby girl a happy birthday.

I'm so very very excited. I hope this year she understands a bit the significance of the day. The candles are hers to blow out, the singing is hers to enjoy, and the company is there just for her.

All because the world is a better place with her in it. I am a better person because of her.

It makes me teary and grinny all at once to think just how much she lights up my life, and I cannot wait to celebrate it this year.

Two years ago I woke up at 3am to a tiny splish of water, I pushed all afternoon (through the wind hail and snow, much like today's weather) and late into the evening and within twenty four hours we were at home snuggled up in our bed, a new family, right where we ought to be.

Best day ever. And now it's time to celebrate it.

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2009 review, somewhat late.

Well, let's see. I'm not going to do a decade in review post like so many you see. This decade has simply contained too much. I mean, really. Ten years ago I was a junior in high school. How can you NOT be different ten years later?

2009 was big enough on its own. I'm chalking it up to a pretty crappy year, but all things considered, we had our family, we had our health, and we had our daily dose of Bella, and that counts for a LOT.

2009 started getting stressful in February when my husband was laid off. The economy was tanking and there were no jobs to be found. I basically went back to work full time, which was an interesting test of whether I could be the breadwinner. I hated it. I was still nursing Bella full time, and people just don't understand what it means to have full boobs and NEED to pump.

In April, Bella turned one. That one caught me off guard. At the end of the month, we took a family vacation to the place we were married, Hood River, as a kind of last hurrah before Dave sold his soul to his new job.

July was a monumental month, as I got to be at a friend's birth and then Bella and I went on a wonderful two week trip to the east coast and tried to fit in as many things as humanly possible, driving from Virginia, to Pennsylvania, to New Hampshire, and back.

We came back to an incredible heat wave and all the stress started crashing down on us as Dave's job was still not making any money. That's pretty much where we've been ever since! Who knew that money could be so stressful, even when everything else in your life is going right.

In October we found out we were pregnant. We thought we'd "start trying" but apparently I forgot that you're most fertile between 18-24 months after you have your previous child... so once was enough, I suppose.

November sort of passed by with me in bed. Or on the floor. Or on the couch. Or in the bathroom. Occasionally smacking myself on the head for thinking this was a good idea. And then we moved into a house.

And then we stressed, stressed some more, Christmas came, so did my parents, 2009 left, and so did my parents. (We miss you terribly, parents.)

And here we are. I can only hope 2010 will be the year things turn around. Not so far, but maybe soon. I'd like it to go down as the year Dave got a good job, the year we got out of debt, the year we became a family of four, the year I started a successful business. I mean, it could happen, right?

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a holiday in photos

Wellll. I'm working my way through my backlog of 365 photos (I'm into December!) and I thought I could get away with not blogging until the new year, since my parents are here and all... BUT. It seems there are a few people back east suffering from Bella deprivation (you know who you are!), so here we are, a few photos from our holiday that will hopefully appease the crowds.

Christmas Eve was very quiet and we each opened one gift because we just couldn't wait any longer. Plus, my family tradition was to open gifts from family on the eve and gifts from Santa in the morning. However, since my family wasn't arriving until Christmas afternoon (which turned into Christmas night), we were dying for some celebrations.

Christmas day just dragged on and on and on. We cleaned, made caramel popcorn, cleaned again, made deviled eggs, got news of a 2 hour flight delay, cleaned AGAIN, and then twiddled our thumbs until my parents and brother arrived. And then sighed when we realized we were further delayed by a forgotten piece of luggage.

Finally at 7:30 we were all together, snug as jumping beans in a rug.

We have since had a fair amount of family time, though I worked the weekend, so there are not many photos of anyone but Bella.

These gloves are Bella's new favorite obsession. I don't think she realizes they are too big and that the Edward Scissorhands look is not quite in fashion this year.

Well there you are. And yes, a lot has changed since last year. Who knew so much could fit in one year. More on that later, I suppose!

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our holiday portrait

We're now moved in and I'm starting to feel a bit better. I'm really trying to get back into the regular swing of things, which includes writing and sharing photos on a regular basis. I've missed it so much. I'm sure things will go back out the window since my parents and brother will be arriving on Christmas day and I will then have 6,000(,000) photos to fish through after the new year. But for now, I can try to get back into my comfy old life.

As requested on Shutter Sisters today, our family portrait (which I'm sure won't go out in time for New Year's, even. Oh well.):

We took it in front of the fire place because the rest of the house was covered in boxes and there was no tree. I propped the camera up on the couch since I can't find my tripod foot, and every time I sat down to focus the camera, when I stood back up, the cushions shifted. I also don't have a remote trigger, so I set it on Time Elapse for like 3 shots every 5 seconds. Bella thought the clicking was waaaay more interesting than the rest of us and did not want to stay put.

And thus, the following is my favorite of the whole series. Don't even ask how we'll manage two kids in one photo next year. I suppose we'll do a collage.

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Supersaturated New Year

The way Christmas should be celebrated, photo by PapaRazi

2007 was a slow year. Sadness and fear spattered with hope have a way of drawing out time. It was our newlywed year, the year we decided to start a family. I took our first loss as a sign that it was time to reevaluate where we wanted to live and make the cross country move we had always imagined. 2007 was a year of drastic changes, always looking forward as we trudged through it all.



Cue 2008, the last of the Slow Years. A year goes by so fast when you have a purpose in your life and it's amazing so many memories can exist in one time-space. Once Bella was born we were simply trying not to get whiplash from looking back as we struggled to catch up with the new pace. And the last couple of months went by at breakneck speed. It's like 2008 saw the New Year coming and was like, Oh Thank God, and started to run to pass off the relay wand.

Everything else from here on out will fly past our eyes and it will be my mission to savor it as much as possible.



I had an inkling, or perhaps mild dread, about how quickly life moves when children are involved, but I didn't know that it would go from five miles per hour to 50 over night. It's nice to have endless photographs to be able to freeze a moment and say, Yes, I remember that, but they really put things in perspective. No more scrolling through photos trying to look for the subtle clues deciphering which Christmas, which party, which season, which year we are reminiscing. Even photos without Bella still shout She's Here! A toy in the corner (or littering the floor), extra bags under my eyes (and coffee in my hand), that look that says Mama all over me (forgot to brush hair again). She's our little hourglass, each day another grain topping off the pile, another inaccessible moment added to our long list of memories.



After a wash of (joyfully generic) Christmas after Christmas, this will be the only one Just Like It, everyone together, one little baby happily soaking it all up. I can't fathom having a toddler running around next Christmas, I don't even try. On New Year's Day we waited for a table in a restaurant lobby with piles and piles of families. My mom asked a fellow mother how old her baby was, and then corrected the phrase since the girl was so much bigger than Bella, technically a toddler. To me she looked ten feet long and ready to start school. Twenty months, the mother replied. And I noticed it, that phrasing, a mother clinging to those last few months before resigning to years for age descriptions.

Twenty months. Exactly the age Isabelle will be this time next year, when I will be calling her by months, hoping that everyone still remembers she's just a baby. Once a baby, always a baby.

2009 here we come.

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for my parents

WE MISS YOU!!!














PS. You made it out just in time before Bella's cold attacked Dave and me. That must be one of the privileges of being a grandparent that they always talk about...

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Meaningful Holidays

No Thanksgiving photos to post here. We had so much to bring to dinner (two pies, sweet potatoes, rising rolls, baby and baby bag) that I forgot the cameras I had put in my own bag. I had even charged the batteries.... We had a great dinner even though Bella waited until we were all stuffed to the brim and prostrate on the couches to finally switch to a happy and playful mood.

Sharing the holiday with a different set of family members than I'm used to has me thinking about my own holiday habits and what I imagine when I dream of the holiday season. With a new(ish) baby, this year feels like a great year to start planting new traditions and decide which old ones to honor.

Here's what we've been doing:

Pumpkin pie from scratch. Until this year I've always messed up the dough. I think I've finally gotten it right, though :O)

Listening to Harry Potter audio books. Dave and I both work retail, and turning these one when we come home instead of Christmas music helps keep us sane.

Baking baking and more baking. Bread, cookies, meringues, you name it! Especially this year, as it will compliment our gifts of time that we plan to give out in lieu of toys, etc.

Orange rolls with fresh coffee on Thanksgiving and Christmas mornings. This year we didn't plan ahead and had to run out and get them last minute. I expect on Christmas I'll plan to try out homemade orange rolls.

We don't have a tree tradition, though I've heard of people making an ornament with their children for each Christmas. My mom's tree is full of these and I love to look at them!




Candles, we always light a candle at every meal we manage at the dinner table. A reminder that it's the little things the keep love going. I would love to make our own candles to last us the year and distribute to others.

I also like the idea of everyone saying something they are thankful for at grace. At big family dinners we repeat Bless Us O Lord, which is a nice way to start the meal, but as Dave and I are not big on organized grace, I think something genuine from each person would be more meaningful.

We haven't tried any volunteering and we have yet to be in a position to adopt a family to give presents, but it's something I always think about. I'm a fan of inviting over as many people for the holidays as possible.

And on that note, as much as I would like to boycott Black Friday, I must head to work and serve the throngs.

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Christmas is all around

For those of us in the retail world, the holiday season is in full swing. And although I find myself commiserating with friends and coworkers about Christmas trees before Halloween! and Oh those dastardly songs! and How much more of this can we take! I still find myself giddy as the season approaches. The house is too cold? Why not make a pumpkin pie! If there's no one home but me, no one will know I'm listening to Christmas CDs. (Hey, it's all brand new to Bella!) And so what if I wrap empty boxes just so I can enjoy their splendor. I certainly don't have the means or foresight to keep real presents around the whole season.

I still begrudge the material focus that persists through the season, but to me it's balanced out by the extra glow and sparkle peaking around every corner. When it comes to consumption we are always faced with filtering out the good from the bad. Take the family time, the pretty trees, the hint of snow, and ignore the noisy plastic toys that represent satisfaction for 30.7 seconds.

People will come around eventually and refocus on what truly matters. Take, for example, my dear Container Store, which specifically strives to separate itself from the religion in the season: Gift Wrap Wonderland consisting solely of Santa, reindeer, and snowy scenes. Three years ago they introduced their first religious themed gift wrap, a beautiful nativity montage. It flew almost literally out the door and they struggle to keep it in stock each year. And finally they have added another. (Apparently supply and demand does work.)

The music, on the other hand, remains completely secular. Sixteen versions of Santa Baby, three White Christmasses, and twelve Frosty the Snowmans. Yes, it gets old fast, but I just talk over it and show people how to make the most beautiful bows to put on their perfectly wrapped boxes (presentation does matter!). And at least it means that I can come home and enjoy Oh Holy Night and Carol of the Bells with fresh ears. A win win situation if you ask me.

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