but the sun is shining

My heart is heavy the last few days, mostly thinking about the uncontrollable nature of life. I waiver between planning and avoiding, not knowing how it's possible to settle comfortably in between. I like knowing my next steps, or at least that my feet will touch ground. I've never been good with uncertainty.

Bella's mind keeps me endlessly fascinated and entertained. She's starting to point to pictures in books. She chases Bunny around with peals of maniacal laughter and begs her daddy to flip her upside down onto the bed. Yesterday instead of a string of Dadadadada she paused after I said Daddy and repeated it exactly, with intent. Dah-dee.

Just like me she can sit in a room full of people and if there isn't one single person to connect to, she keeps to herself in her own world. Studying and processing. She takes time to discover new things. Pushing a toy around with the spoon in her hand, tapping the carpet, then the hard floor, over and over again to enjoy the different effect it creates. Plucking up random pieces of crud from the carpet. (Oh please, not another bunny bean!).

And it's for all those reasons that I strive to be here for her now. How is that even possible as an adult, to separate the happiness of now from the heaviness of responsibility gone awry? She has no care in the world about tomorrow or the moment after. She's here for me, now. No concept of what-if, no internal battle that adults find so difficult. I'm striving for that balance, but at the moment I'm so off kilter, I have no idea where to even begin. So we play, and in those moments my worries fall away. Now if only I could send them away permanently.