High and Low -or- The Broken Leg Lamp
Today I was chosen in a contest to receive a once-in-a-lifetime prize, a weekend retreat of sorts. It's something so important to me that it's on my 101 Things in 1001 Days list (which I'll type up eventually). I had entered the contest on a whim, feeling silly, clearing my weekend schedule Just In Case, day dreaming an acceptance speech, imagining the wonderful things I would get to do, but never actually believing I would really be there. I was simultaneously floored and through the roof to find out I had been selected. Bella and I danced around the apartment and she actually giggled to see me so happy.
In all my vast day dreams I never played the scene where Bella would not be invited and thus I would be forced to pass up this amazing opportunity. Right now Bella is just an extension of myself, my shadow strapped not so discretely to my shirt. I'm so accustomed to this lifestyle that I never give it a second thought. It's an attachment born of necessity and love, and one that I have never considered a hindrance. I completely understand the need for moms to get away, and the logistics of having a baby at a retreat, but for now my Self is Us, and I can't imagine an entire weekend without her. Not to say that I wouldn't have absolutely had a wonderful time free of babily constraints, but just knowing Bella would melt down is a solid enough argument on her behalf.
When I realized that I had created an awkward situation to assume Bella would be welcome, I insisted that I understood if they chose someone else. Just being selected had brightened my day. It's like getting to wear a badge that says I'm worth it.
(Parce que je le vaux bien...)
And it's true. Yes, it was an immense disappointment to have something amazing within reach only have it slip away, but my day is still better knowing I had been considered. That's one step ahead of where I was yesterday. Still, I'm caught by the dull ache of disappointment that fills the void after the bubble of possibility has been popped.
It's hard to be too sad considering it was a long shot anyhow, but it hits me like a slap in the face. This is first time I've felt limited by my lifestyle, my decisions in raising my little girl. I feel like Snoopy chasing his Lila only to find No Dogs Allowed blocking his every move.
Luckily it was nap time after all this tumult, so Bella and I cuddled under the covers and let the day wash over us. Children have a magical way of putting life into perspective, coloring our decisions in a new light. I may not have the retreat, but I'm strengthened by that initial moment of pure happiness, simply that it exists. There will be more retreats in the future. Today with my baby is the real once-in-a-lifetime event.
And just in case I hadn't already figured all that out, Bella snuggled up to me and said in all her wisdom, Mama, don't worry. You are right where you ought to be.
Not in so many words, but I heard it all the same.
Posts
2 comments:
First, I love the title. I just watched that movie again the other night. I never get tired of it.
Second, I'm so sorry for the disappointment. I'm on my third baby (sleeping in the sling at this moment) and have long grown accustomed to how my life contracts in many ways because of how I choose to do things. Except, it's not a contraction, as you point out. My second child gave up naps at a little over one, but he needed to be nursed to sleep at 6 pm. He often woke up again in a couple of hours to nurse back to sleep. I simply never left the house after 6. Ever. Every now and then someone would "helpfully" try to tell me I needed to, I ought to, he'd be fine, and I'd say, He's a baby for such a short time. He'll be weaned before I know it (he was a little over 3). I'll never regret nursing my child to sleep. And I never have.
This way of mothering seems daunting to so many people, too hard, too much work. But they just don't see the benefits. It IS hard. But it's so worth it.
Shawna, Loved what you had to say. I've been there. Even now with children 9,7 & 6 I can't imagine leaving them for the weekend. Sure I get tired of being mommy, all-the-time, but I overall love being with them and their father - my best friend and partner. And my heart aches a little each night when I go to bed and they are all tucked in and sleeping and I remember the moments of impatience and exasperation throughout the day...
Ah mommyhood - you lose your heart, someone else holds it in their hands.
You are truly right where you ought to be and I'm proud of you. Trust me - she will be done nursing before you know it and oh how I miss that! Not getting up in the night and washing diapers mind you but having my babies at my breast, ah...
Anyway, I popped over to ask you to send me an e-mail with your address to send you your soap from the Sharing the Season giveaway. Consider it a consolation prize for missing out on a weekend retreat. LOL.
E-mail me privately. This comment should have my address imbedded somewhere.
Post a Comment