Big (or little)

Dear Bella,

It's funny now that you're little kid. You walk, you talk, you make decisions, share your insight, you tell me about your day, you tell me how you're feeling, you reassure me things are going to be okay on a bad day, and you share your toys with Lia. You're my friend. You seem so big, so grown up, so impossibly far from the baby that I knew last year to the point that you do not even seem like the same person anymore.

And yet.

And yet, there are those times when I listen to what you're saying, see what you are doing, or just step back and really look at you. You're tiny. Two is infinitesimally small. At the playground two is still the baby. Two still doesn't understand so many simple concepts I take for granted. Two is certainly not reasonable. Two has come so far and has so so far to go. Two is small enough that you need me more than I realize but so big that I forget how small you are. (But not this small.)

I've said this before, but I'm in heaven watching you play. Usually when I'm off in the next room Lia suddenly becomes your audience, despite that you ignored her all morning. In your biggest voice you say, Watch this, Lia! as you pull up your own pants or send your dollies soaring through the air.

You do everything by yourself now, proudly. Proudly enough that when you ask for help I am happy to offer because I know in that moment that you just need to be little again. You have come so so far in taking a breath to relax while you wait for a rescue in any situation that would previously have had you in a puddle on the floor.

You even sit on the potty allbyoself (which was more exciting before you fell in, and now you're taking a break). You like reading me books now, and Lia, too. I could listen to you count the Hungry Caterpillar's stahburies all night long. And the best part? When we get to the chocolate cake, you hand me a piece. Suddenly you are immersed in this fantastic imaginary world where you hold very important conversations and make up new scenarios - not just replay today's events. That is amazing.

You shout I'm nin! When you hop into something. I'm not even sure why I love that so much, but I do. And this month we have reached a childhood milestone.

You have started sneaking. You peek when your eyes are supposed to be closed and you hide when you know you're in trouble. Oh yes, yesterday I found you tearing apart some lipstick. It's a rite of passage, no?

Oh darling little Bella, how I love you. Even when you refuse cuddles and shout No Kisses! and decide sleeping is for losers.

Love,
mama