cling

We've been sick again, imagine that. Another, much milder stomach bug made it through our house and prevented us from eating all week (way to spend week 38, so much for a chubby baby). I wasn't sure that I was sick at first. I thought it was end-of-pregnancy symptoms and I thought I might die of fatigue, and was in tears wondering how I was going to birth a baby while this tired and then care for two of them this way. I put Bella up with the tv, fell into the couch and tried not to feel overwhelmed and guilty all day.

And then the clouds lifted and I realized the fatigue was a symptom of the bug. Poor Bella got it next and she cuddled on me all day -literally- staring off into space. That is exactly how I felt, and as sad as I was to see her that way, I was glad it wasn't all in my head.

Even without the bug, Bella has never been such a velcro baby in her life. I mean, this is a child that comes to us and fills up with love and then goes out into the world and spreads it around to complete strangers. When she's ready for a refill, she needs it Right Now, but then she's all set. This month I would classify her as an introvert, and it's so strange to see. She's magnetically attracted to me and would spend the entire day in my arms, cuddling my belly if she could.

She's always seemed so big, so independent to me. She goes to the potty on her own. She hands over money when we're shopping and throws trash away on her own. She opens doors by herself. She can reach the counter and move stools for light switches. Not to mention in our social group she is one of the oldest babies.

Last week we went to a park just as a rowdy group of seven girls came swirling in. They kept calling her baby, cooing over her and telling her that certain pieces of playground were to big for her. (Actually it was one of those annoying parks where ALL the pieces were too big to make sure little kids couldn't climb very well even though it was a shrimpy little playground.) It was a shock for me to see just how little she looked, how timid (she's not much of a climber so she tends to just hang around and stare at people at the park.), how truly BABY she was. I had been getting ready to make her into a big sister, and suddenly I panicked. She's so tiny. She's only been on this planet two years. How am I going to fill her up when she needs it so badly?

This month, lunch and dinner are much better when the are spent in my lap. Stairs require my hand to accomplish. She wakes up in the middle of the night crying out for me and ends up in my arms all night long. As I write this she is sitting in my lap playing with her stuffies, occasionally standing up so she can put her head on my shoulder and rock. And there's no way I can resist, knowing that this luxury of extra time and extra arms will be cut short soon. There's no point in hurting us both by pushing her away just to get her used to it. I'll take all the cuddles I can get and hope they fill her up somewhat before baby gets here.

My mom comes tomorrow. It looks like bitty baby will wait for her after all (but not much longer, I hope!). After much thought, I've decided that yes, I am ready for bitty baby to come. I can't wait to meet the little pinball inside, and I can't wait to see my babies meet each other. And I'll be glad to have my mom here to help out even just with Bella. But keep those cuddles coming, baby. You'll never be too big for them -they're the best feeling in the world.