Love the one you've got
Usually it's late in the evening when I go to brush my teeth and change my clothes and happen to glance in the mirror. What the heck did I eat today? Oh right, there's a baby in there. I mean, not that I forget during the daily kicking and the 100 trips to the bathroom and the cozy maternity pants (hey man, I'm never going back), but this pregnancy has been strange. I've felt... disconnected.
I'm not anxious that I'm not going to love this kid as much as I love Bella. I've been around enough to know that the heart has an amazing capacity to just keep growing. But my experience with Bella has been so perfect. A natural birth, no complications, a happy baby (when she wasn't colicky, but whatever), a baby that lit up lives in an extraordinary way at her slightest glance. Who can live up to that? Our life is good right now. Why did I want to change that? Nobody can promise the next child will be happy and healthy and ease right into our lives.
And although this pregnancy was 100% planned and 10,000% wanted, it just came sooner than I had expected. Now I'm struck with a protective feeling, a bit of jealousy for my time with Bella. I don't want to have to divide my time. Bella is time consuming and patience-testing and I know with a new born I will have neither of those, and that makes me sad. I don't want to kick her out of the bed months early just so she'll get used to it. I had no intention of weaning her, nursing just became too much of an ordeal. I miss being able to wear her around, to carry her when she's too tired on walks, to hold her so she's involved around the house.
So I suppose it's not that I'm not already in love with the baby I'm growing. It's just that when I was pregnant with Bella I had nowhere else to direct my attentions. Now I have Bella, and only five months (crap. four by the time I post this.) left of Just Bella. By the time the baby is here it'll be all baby baby baby, and right now I'm just wrapping myself up in baby Bella time. Bella cuddles. Bella stories. Bella walks. Bella naps. (Or lack thereof. Lets not forget to savor tantrums with only one child to manage.) I have a feeling the new baby won't mind.
I'm not anxious that I'm not going to love this kid as much as I love Bella. I've been around enough to know that the heart has an amazing capacity to just keep growing. But my experience with Bella has been so perfect. A natural birth, no complications, a happy baby (when she wasn't colicky, but whatever), a baby that lit up lives in an extraordinary way at her slightest glance. Who can live up to that? Our life is good right now. Why did I want to change that? Nobody can promise the next child will be happy and healthy and ease right into our lives.
And although this pregnancy was 100% planned and 10,000% wanted, it just came sooner than I had expected. Now I'm struck with a protective feeling, a bit of jealousy for my time with Bella. I don't want to have to divide my time. Bella is time consuming and patience-testing and I know with a new born I will have neither of those, and that makes me sad. I don't want to kick her out of the bed months early just so she'll get used to it. I had no intention of weaning her, nursing just became too much of an ordeal. I miss being able to wear her around, to carry her when she's too tired on walks, to hold her so she's involved around the house.
So I suppose it's not that I'm not already in love with the baby I'm growing. It's just that when I was pregnant with Bella I had nowhere else to direct my attentions. Now I have Bella, and only five months (crap. four by the time I post this.) left of Just Bella. By the time the baby is here it'll be all baby baby baby, and right now I'm just wrapping myself up in baby Bella time. Bella cuddles. Bella stories. Bella walks. Bella naps. (Or lack thereof. Lets not forget to savor tantrums with only one child to manage.) I have a feeling the new baby won't mind.
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4 comments:
I know!! It's harder when they're so close. When I think back to what I expected from my first--basically, I expected him not to be a baby anymore, because I had a true baby, 6 weeks early no less. But of course, he was only 2 1/2, very much a baby. If I had it to do over, I wouldn't expect so much from him, or from myself, either. But you manage. You sling the baby, you cuddle up on the couch all together to read stories while the baby nurses or naps, you pick up your toddler while your baby is in the sling. (I have a picture I love, of me in my rocking chair--you can't see either of the boys' faces--the baby is in the sling, my oldest is in my free arm, and they were both bawling. Motherhood, encapsulated.) When I think about what I did with my first, with my second in the sling--the trips to the playground, the children's museum, gym class, I even got out there and pitched him the big ball so he could practice toddler "bat and ball" while the baby napped in the sling--I get exhausted just thinking about it. That's why it's best to do this when young. :)
Oh hon I remember all these feelings (though vaguely now). I think it's worth the trade offs to have kiddos close together and I would do it the same way again in a heartbeat. Now that they are older and closer in age we can be really close as family in our activities and interests.
But I do remember thinking how I was possibly going to take care of Celine's 21 month old needs with a newborn and wondering the same thing when Laurent was 21 months old and Brienne came along. The truth is I still can't meet all their needs and wants. I feel that disappoint sometimes before I go to bed. That I gave one more of myself than the others. So anyway just wanting to say I know how you feel.
It's only normal what you feel!
And we (second children) get used to that, that's our only view of things: mom divided. So you don't have to worry about the little baby.
And you are going to be so happy with two to cuddle! It will give you a whole new perspective on Bella's growing and maturing. You will see her grow right infront your eyes as a big sister.
One thing that someone told us (Oz, in fact, because he is the one that has an older daughter who had issues with her little sister -and her super little sister too!) about this thing is that there's a good thing that you can do in preparing the older child to recieve the second on in her life: introduce her/him without guilt and any sense of loss. Of course, they are never completely happy for having to share mom and dad, but they will grow healthy on this role and new reality if there's no feeling of loss or negativity around the fact.
Also, giving her new spaces can be good too!
Good luck, I know you are going to do it so well...
All those feelings and emotions I remember so well. And then that baby is in your arms and life, your family, you, Bella (after a wee bit of adjustment on her part) have this amazing way to envelope that new little person.
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