How do you learn to let your child shine on her own? How do you keep your own good judgment from squashing everything she tries to be?
I am lucky to have grown up with a family that never completely fit in. I think we're a great family, it's just that either we were new in town or we did things a little differently, or *gasp* my parents are still married. (Okay mom, you could have warned me about how much work that has been. You make it look so easy.) I was the girl who obstinately dressed herself at age two, who wore pants to a tea party, who made myself a giant house costume for Halloween, who (garishly) decorated my own clothes, who wrote twenty page papers because ten wasn't enough, who had verbal diarrhea, who spoke everything on my mind, which let me tell you does not always seem like a great gift. But it is now.
Because now I can nurse Bella wherever I want, I can tell people we don't use diapers and not feel weird, and I can stand up for my own choices because I have had to stand up for myself my whole life, and have always had my parents standing right behind me to show me how. And while there are days that I still feel awkward doing things (like being the one picking berries on a random roadside, or standing up for my opinions in the face of a customer), I usually don't realize how odd some of my lifestyle choices are simply because I'm used to being the odd one out. And now I have a darling baby who also likes doing things her way, and thanks to my parents, I can be there for her every moment of it.
It'll take some time to learn to appreciate this shared trait of ours, to not to be too obvious when biting my tongue for her sake, to not insist she do things my way, to not take it personally when my suggestion goes unheeded. I know from experience that every suggestion my parents make (which I then ignore) is filed in the back of my head, and whenever I get down off my high horse, they come in very handy. As does the ability to ignore suggestions and pave my own road. What a fine line that will be. Teaching humility (which I, my stubborn self, am still learning) and independent thinking. Bella's going to take me on the ride of my life, but it's going to be worth every moment.
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5 comments:
all those things that make you the 'odd one out' are reasons i would like for 'why shawna is awesome, always has been, always will be.' :)
the resemblance between you and bella is particularly strong in the top photo! just uncanny... i can't wait to see what she is like as she gets older!!
Shawna, you are so right about this!
I am reading right now "The children's book" by Osho. Perhaps you would enjoy reading it. It goes a lot on this matter of letting our children just BE, the free spirits they already are when they are born.
I wasn't as lucky as you were with my parents. They were mostly telling me what to do and how to do things. I talked a lot, just like you. But I also loved being alone and in silence... they wouldn't let me. Unconsciously. They would just ask me to come along, or ask me if something was wrong with me.
Anyway, I know that all children need to be left alone, without the constant interference of their parents. That is a biiiig thing I need to learn and to practice.
I know that I would stand for myself as you do. I do it so very often. But at the same time, I just wish that that confidence came to me in my childhood, and wasn't something that I really had to struggle to achieve, or worked to let rise.
(Again, what was the picture or post about Zoe that brought you to this post? I can't remember right now.)
Hey, Bella doesn't wear diapers? That's awesome. I like that.
I had to answer way too many times the question "Why aren't you sending your two year old (or three) to kinder already?" I don't mind. I would answer that a gazillion times without bothering about the effect that it causes on people. They JUST.COULDN'T.BELIEVE.IT
Now she is in kinder. But I am super happy that she started only at three and a half years, and not sooner.
Ok, I will stop here. But thank you for this post, it's a fantastic reminder of the things that I am working on right now as a mama.
Children are not OURS, we are their lucky keepers for a while.
Okay, just wrote out a huge long comment and then when I tried to publish it, wordpress tried telling me that I didn't own that identity? huh? Just as well, as a bit to much coffee today made my comment very long lol. But in short it said how Julie's comment above, sounds exactly like what I was going to write ( except for the part about reading the book, Im not yet, but about to go and look it up) (oh and the part about kinders, M isn't yet, but will start sometime after her 3rd birthday - and people have been telling me, and lecturing me about how she should have started a year ago blah. argh.)
See too much coffee!
Love the post, and the pics Shawna!
Kylie xo
great stuff. I didn't feel too odd growing up. my parents were very mainstream so to speak. But I have always been independent, a tad rebellious and stubborn. Good traits for going against the flow when you need to. I see these same things most clearly in my youngest. Funny thing is she is my most difficult child to parent LOL! Serves me right i guess.
I just wanted to tell you that I struggle with this every day. I do want to let my little girl (age 3) BE...and it takes every ounce of my energy to do it. Thankfully, she sings everyday...like quiet little nonsense songs that may or may not have words. She has her own soundtrack. When I hear those happy sounds I reassure myself that I haven't messed up EVERYTHING...and she reminds me that she has a deep soul, and a connection with the world that I must respect.
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