nineteen - might as well just call it 20.

Dear Bella,

This month's letter comes to you with a special apology. Not particularly because it's very late, but most particularly because you are extremely deserving of one from me. Mommies don't really know everything, even though we often have to act like we do. This fall I came up with the craziest idea that I thought it would be so much fun to give you a little sibling. I enjoyed the last few months of being pregnant with you so much that I guess I must have forgotten exactly how horrible the first seven were. I thought I would have all these months to adjust while dedicating time to you, all you, spending our alone time together and loving every moment of it. Alas, that is not exactly how it is going, at all. Another little person has completely taken over my body, and is already vying for my full attention.

I'm sorry that nursing isn't fun anymore, that I turn you down a hundred times a day and say, No baby, we nursed two(three/four) hours ago, mama's not ready just yet. How I miss enjoying our quiet nursing moments together. I can't stop, as you are losing enough weight already and I can't possibly imagine taking your favorite pastime away from you, but I resent it now, and resent myself for that.

I can't stand being touched when I'm ill, so I've kicked you out of my bed. Oh, I miss snuggling you all night. You're handling it really well. You've taken to sleeping in a frog position on your belly for the first time in your life. Of course, that's probably only because it assists you in sleep-creeping across the bed searching me out in the night.

I miss making us food we like. Between the two of us, I'm trying to find something to eat every hour on the hour, and it's exhausting. Something relatively nutritious that won't make me yak as I watch you eat. Oatmeal, PB+J, cheese and crackers. Gotta keep that energy up.

Baby, you are kinder and more understanding than any mama could dream. I haven't had a lot of me time, since we're now sharing your nap, and that has led to quite a short temper. We don't go out much since I spend so much of the day packing or queasing about, but when I can't do anything but curl up on the floor, you come to me and give me kisses and pats on the back. You are such a gentle soul.

Mostly this month, we've just gotten to know each other even better, bit by bit. You picked up a shrill scream, a side effect, me thinks, of not getting your way. It's a bit embarassing at the library, to say the least. You're making leaps and bounds in words. You're finally realizing that not every word begins with a D, and thus have moved on from doggie (when anything barks) and dight dight daddy (you do love your consonants) to kittie, bubble and tea (I drink lots of that!), and my new favorite thing is the way you sign bath, which looks like a dance from the 50's. Oh, and did I mention that you finally say MAMA?? Except you say maman, the french prononciation. I can dig it.

Oh! You also figured out that when people nod and shake their heads they actually mean something. I don't know why I was so dumbfounded to realize you know this. One day I asked if you were done nursing and you shook your head (since your mouth was obviously full...) and the next day you nodded at Daddy. We took you out for coffee and you sat staring at the table next to us where one woman was nodding at the conversation of her friend, so you joined in, nodding vigorously because you finally understood this new secret language. Ah, the possibilities of body language. Don't get me started on the way you drop your shoulders, roll your eyes and look away (don't forget the exasperated sigh!) when I tell you something will have to wait. Oh my goodness, I need to get that one on camera.

Darling, this is quite the long letter (and no photos, damn the computer virus, I'm in photo deprivation!). But you deserved the apology. We're in our house now, and I hope things only get better from here on out. We've had three sunny days in a row and I promised I'd introduce you to the yard this time. This is supposed to be my favorite time of the year, so I will try my best to make it awesome for you, too. It's the least I can do.

I love you so so much.

mama