Happy July to you, girls.
You get to share a letter this month (I imagine that you will have a lot of that concept to get used to anyhow). What a month it has been. Apparently when you have two kids, time goes by exponentially faster.
Bella, darling. I don't even know where to begin with you. You need me so badly and it is agonizing to see you in such turmoil. To see you reaching for your independence in so many little ways , and wanting the unwavering security of mama upon your return to earth. When you need me, it's overwhelming. You climb on top of me, grab me, and cling so tight that I seems like you want nothing more than to return to my belly. Sometimes I'm not there, sometimes you fall and my hands are full, sometimes your body gets out of control in a tantrum and this new baby keeps me from coming to your rescue, sometimes I have only half a lap for you to sit on, sometimes there is someone else in my arms at bedtime and it shakes your world to the core.
After nights of you screaming endlessly for me, crying yourself hoarse, worried sick to the point of vomiting, Daddy and I switched sides of the bed so you could feel me at night, so you could fill your own cup all night and not wake up feeling like you were stranded on a desert island. So you know that I
do still love you. I was afraid you would wake me up every hour, since I know you still do, and then I would have two hearts to feed at night, but I was wrong. You stir, and reach for me, and that touch is enough to send you back to dreamland. It's just enough that I am there.
We battled all month, head to head, screaming, tantruming, hitting, and I'm ashamed to say these words describe me, too. Bedtime is still often a nightmare, but something finally clicked for me in the daytime. It's okay that you need me. It's okay that you hug my leg as I walk around the house. It's okay that you hop out of the stroller as I am pushing it because you need to be in my arms at that very second (even though I have to put you back screaming and crying and thrashing because, really, I don't have THAT many arms). It's okay that sometimes you glare at me and turn away when I finally do have a moment for you. It's all okay, because we're figuring out how much we still need one another. We're figuring out how to work that love into every little crevice throughout the day, and we're figuring out how to not resent each other for our love. We're going to be okay, I promise.
As for Lillia, my sweet. Bella calls you Lia, so while we call you Lily when we are out and about, you are Lia at home. Did you know I did that on purpose? Bella, too, and some day she make pick Izzy instead. Lillia, you are something to behold. A princess, really. Quiet, sweet, and calm. But make you uncomfortable and you squeal and shriek and whine. And don't bother trying to nurse you if your belly hurts or you are sleepy. Your entire day is spent searching for calm and equilibrium.
You are still a fan of the baby dive, pitching yourself sideways whenever you are upright. You are not terribly social yet - mostly you gaze around and often you make faces of utter panic so that we glance behind us for an axe murderer. Nope, that's just your thinking face. You're a mama's girl, which still surprises me, and will calm the moment you reach me. I have always treasured your sleep smiles, and now you are practicing them while awake, too.
You hate the car, and will scream yourself purple (so you sound like a dolphin) if you are awake. You are finally letting me wear you as long as your legs and head are not confined and you are tilted to the side. You're much more of a wiggler-mover than I am used to. I have a feeling you will be on the move the second you can. You still love your sleep, and every night that you fuss I cringe that
tonight is the night you turn colicky. But so far, so good. Except that you sleep like noisy pig, and it's taking me time to learn which noises I can ignore.
It's hard not to compare you to your sister and I worry that her current antics will overshadow your babyhood, but fear not, you are paving your own way with quiet stealth. On occasion you stop and look at each other and I see a connection that I will never fully understand. I look forward to the months and years ahead as your sisterhood blossoms. To witness it will be magical.
I love you both more than I could ever imagine,
mama
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